Personal Log - The Hour of understanding, the day of rambling
Hour of understanding? And an hour until my Mistress shows. Prophetic to say the least. But aah, my Mistress. She knows me. Knows me better than I know myself. I dont know why I am still surprised at this?
I suppose it is true to say that the day when she held me in her arms on that bed I became hers. After all that she put me through, all that she'd done to me, the pain, the torment, the torture. Oh, Mizhara, Mizhara Mizhara, did you know then that you had my heart? Have you been waiting all these months for the time when I would come back to you?
Time and time again I had hurt you, lied to you, brought misery not just to you, but to others. Was I that scared of the feelings I had, that I would one day kneel before you? My love for Ithiria was strong, and the turmoil in my heart was a war without end.
And yet here I am now, your submissive. Yours totally, just yours. Ithiria has relinquished her claim on me, and I am sad, for I have lost something that I will never regain, and happy as I have my Miz. Ithiria, my wife, my love, my khanid pricess. She will never again call me hers, never to dominate me again... and never again will I call myself her slave.
In truth I lost her a long time ago, the day I threw off my collar and slapped her. Such abuse, betrayal and insolence. Slaves dont do that. But it wasn't until she gave my contract away to Hinare that I realised it.
But then, I guess I was never much of a slave. Too much free will and even though Ithiria was always there with me, not enough was done to pacify me. I guess she didn't need it, as I was her strong right arm... when I wasn't trying to break it. And when I told her I was broken.... I wasn't really lying to her... I just wasn't truthful to her about who had broken me.
Right now I am happy with my Mistress. Obedient, devoted, and yes, still a little afraid of her. She has but to life her finger and I jump to obey her. I will dedicate myself to making her happy, to looking after her needs. And every time I confess to her, I will become a better person. Every time she teaches me, shows me the error of my ways I become stronger. I become more devoted. I become the submissive she wants and needs. One day, she will not even need to lift her finger, I will just know.
I just hope Ithiria knows that I will never stop loving her. In essence she was my first love. You never forget your first love. And I have a statue in my geisha house, sorry, my Mistresses Geisha house that will always remind me.
And yes, I guess I have been rambling, as the hour has passed... and my Mistress approaches. The geisha can already see my smile. They have only been this proud of me once before, when they met Ithiria. Now they will meet my Miz, my Mistress. Dare I say it, my love.
We always pluck the sweetest rose, and crush it till the petals fall."
Many years ago, back before Gallicia, when things were easy and slavery was all I knew I heard this rhyme from an old grandmother who was on the holdings. For the first time in a long time, it has come back to me, and I understand the sad look in her eyes when she used to sing it.