Monday, 21 February 2011

Perfection is attainable

Carmilla walked around her quarters wrapped in a silken night gown and stopped at the drinks table. She poured herself a large glass of gallentey absinthe and sipping it ruffled the ears of the black cat that was sleeping on her chair. It awoke, yawned at her and batted at her hand with it's paws.
"Tankerin, you rogue, you sleep all day."
The cat looked at her and purred at her ministrations. She looked around for the other cat and found her curled up in Kaelali's lap. Her sister had slept here after their night together. One day less on their punishment. Aetes it seemed was content, the white cat almost invisible against her sisters white kimono.

Picking up the cat and her glass she sat cross legged on the bed, the cat in her lap and reached over and picked up her datatablet. For a moment she selected a music channel and listened to the sounds that came out, lying back on her bed, her eyes closing softly as she thought back on the events that have just gone past...

Personal Log - The hour of weeping, the day of rebirth.

This is what I get when I use an archaic form of horoscope for working out the hour and the day. That being said, it often gets it right. I have been weeping, feeling the burn of failure has that effect on me. But I also do feel reborn.

I failed my Mistress today.We had dinner together, the four of us. Or should I say our Mistresses ate dinner, Kael and I became the chairs. A most unusual experience, and one I would actually like to repeat. Being bound that tightly, unable to move, I have not experienced anything like it. That and being unable to stop my Mistress from doing what she wanted to my bound form. Oh, but I forgot, she got me a gift! The most wonderful boots which I wore and am still wearing! It's like she knows what I need and want. Scary at times......

But I digress.... during the meal naturally she was stimulating me. And forbid me from any release. Well, in my excited state... unfortunately I failed and to her dissapointment, and my everlasting shame I came. I find it most amazing the way I react to her. When I was Ithi's slave and I failed... I never felt the amount of shame I felt last night. For the rest of the evening I kept my head, and I was determined not to let her down again. And I succeeded, but the damage had already been done. And when they both told me my punishment and what I would be getting, or more to the point what I wouldn't be getting I broke down in tears.

Aaah Kael, my sister, you stand with me and will take my punishment with me. One day I will be like you, so perfect and devoted. I felt envy before when I saw you behind Ithiria, wishing it was me. But now I realise that you were more perfect as a submissive than I was as a slave. Your devotion and dedication to Ithiria surpassed what I was, by a magnitude! How small I felt then. But here you are, with me, sisters. And I love you as a sister, you might not be of my flesh but you are of my soul. And one day I will walk behind Mizhara, as you walk behind Ithiria. At least... that is what I want. But then... it's no longer about what I want, it's about them.

Carmilla put down her datatablet and sipped her drink, feeling the alcohol buzz through her system and placed it down on the table, reaching over and disturbing Tankerin who pounced off her lap and padded into the next room. Looking over she saw her sister was still asleep and smiled. There, is perfection. At least to me. I want that. Sighing she picked up the datatablet again.

Ithiria had an incident later that evening. A meeting with Ari, which could have gone better. Luckily she didn't go through with her threat, but I have been watching her for so long, I know when she is going to do something rash. I recognised the signs and I almost acted. Standing on the other side of her door, watching her through the security system with her hands reaching for her sword. It would have taken but a moment to pick the lock and be in there rescuing her from herself. Such presumtion.

Ever since I became a slave or a submissive I have had the need within me to protect those I am with. I feel it with Mizhara, I have definately felt it with Ithiria. Both of whom I have seen dead, their lives taken by their own hands. I have always seen this as a failure. A failure that has haunted me, had me waking up at night in a cold sweat, occasionally screaming. But I talked about this with my Mistress, as she asked me the events and I told her. And I related to her why I felt a failure in this regard.

But she showed me the error of my thinking. One more way she is teaching me. I didnt' fail to save them both. They succeeded in doing what they had to do. When she talks to me it's like lights are coming on behind my eyes and I see the truth of things. Such presumtion, such nievity.

When I am with her... I can only wonder at what she is going to tell me about myself. What she is going to teach me. So many layers are being stripped away from me, so many more to go. But I need this, I want this. What will I become when she has torn me down and rebuilt me? I know what I want to be, just like Kael my sister.

I will be perfect for my Mistress. Perfection is attainable. This will be my mantra. I have something to live for now, and I have a life where I have two Mistresses to dote upon, and a Sister who will be beside me. And I know if I told her I was going to walk to hell and back, she would be holding my hand.

Carmillla placed her datatabet down and wiped her face with her hand. The clock on the wall was indicating what time it was and it was time to leave soon. She had ships to produce and jobs to manage. With Ithiria going on holiday things needed to be done. Luckily most of it could be done without her, but she was still required for some jobs, her skills in demand. Not being there for her Mistress when she awoke was going to be hard. One of the things she loved was being there for her Mistress. Ithiria before and now Mizhara. But today, she had to be creative. With a smile she watched tankerin up at the table drinking from her glass. Such a rogue, she thought. Cats have all the fun.

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