Friday, 6 April 2012

Only Human

Of any of the people in the universe, I think I am the one who does not deserve second chances.

I was given one, and I threw it away. I walked out of my Kikia, my shaman, and my corp. I belived I was right in what I was doing. But that is because I was thinking only of myself. A clan, our clan, or corp is stronger than I realised. They judged me because of what I did, but then I found out they judged me more because of what I did after that.

Walking out on Kikia was the hardest thing I had ever done, and the sorrow in my soul will be a black mark I will have til the end of my days.

I thought I was protecting her, what I actually did was hurt her even more. I was lucky I guess that Maeve made me come back. Maeve, my loves unborn daughter who had touched me once before, and scared me to death on the second occasion making me not sleep for four days.

I had to do something, I had to come back to her. But how? How can I face those I love when I can't even face myself?

But I did. In my own... special way.

There are few buildings I cannot break into, my past as a cat burgler proved invalubale as I broke into the kenki and into our apartment. Security systems parted for me like air and I swept in with my bundle, hiding in shadows, taking the secret ways and eventually I found myself hidden in the bathroom with my present for her. My apology and my grief.

How she knew I was there I can only guess, but she swept aside the door and stood there with knife in her hand and a look on her face. I wondered then if I had not been mistaken, if coming back had been a bad idea. But... when she looked down at me she saw not just my eyes, but the eyes of four tiny kittens.

I knew that she would be lonely without me, and even if she cast me out, she would be lonely more. So I brought them, from one of the cats that lives in my house who had just had kittens. It seemed right, and when she held one, the look in her eyes changed. There was still that hard edge, but it was tempered by love and compassion.

Here is ever a lesson I will remember. Compassion.

We talked. I explained, and tried to at least. In the end she broke down in tears and I comforted her. And I relaised how alone I was with out her, and how difficult my life would have been without her and her judgement to guide me and I wept, I cried like a baby in her arms.

And there it would have ended, were it not for the forgiveness of my Kiki, and the love in her eyes. And that of Maeve. And as we lay in the bed, half asleep from my fatigue I heard her call the tribal council. And tell them that the location of my house arrest was changing to include the kenkii as well. Had I been able to cry any more I would have. Kiki was my guardian, the mysterious person who was to make sure I was on the right path. I may never know what it cost her to do that, but I know now, in my heart, that I will never leave her unless she wants me to.

My Kiki, my shaman, my love....

She forgave me... because I was only human.

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